Horoscope

 

Aquarius
january 20 - february 18
Spot one:

At the hug-a-tree-rescue-a-rabbit movement. Look out for little boats that chase japanese whaling ships or leaking oil tanker, there will always be at least 3 half-drowned Aquariusses on board.

Catch one:

Ignore them, don´t ever tell them they are attractive, talk about the things you have done: restore peace in Middle East find cure for cancer. In general: try not to come on as dumb.

Dump one:

Easy one: Aquarius will tell you it is the best for you anyway. Aquarius still wants to be friends. That’s the problem.

Pisces february 19 - march 20
Spot one:

On a piece of drift wood, feeling sorry for themselves. At the clinic undergoing cosmetic surgery at regular intervals to have the nose reduced. At the massage parlour chasing a vision.

Catch one:

Take drugs, screw around, behave badly in public and blame it all on your sad upbringing. Fishhead was diving the oceans to find that soulmate, hating to get rid of the past.

Dump one:

Tell them they wanted to leave. They never remember what they did and said anyway.

Aries march 21 - april 19
Spot one:

Throw peanuts. Whoever catches them with the mouth is an Aries. Mostly a loner in the woods, commandeering a cave, beating the drum and yelling at every opposite sex passing by.

Catch one:

Either beeing loud and obnoxious or just smilling vacuosly, nodding the head at every interval of the neverending speech, doesn´t matter what Aries is saying. Nobody needs to know anyway.

Dump one:

Forget them. They will only complain, if no one else wants them pretty soon.

Taurus april 20 - may 20
Spot one:

In the queue to join to the boy/girl scouts. At the park, running, because doc told them so. Everywhere people drink and exaggerate.

Catch one:

Before the fridge, at the fridge or on the way back from the fridge. On the couch chatting about delis. Or: standing above lying under you. Less foody more juicy.

Dump one:

Date the best friend. Anyway, Taurus will always be convinced, you made a big mistake leaving.

Gemini may 21- june 20
Spot one:

Hard: one minute they are standing in front of you talking, the next they are a blur in the distance. Try talkshows, callcenters or McDon drivethroughs, I once spotted one having a conversation with the intercom.

Catch one:

Hard: in one of those 15 seconds of attention you usually get. Ask nothing like: where are you going? when are you back? are you coming back at all?

Dump one:

Hurt them hard. Otherwise they will meet you a month later to tell you, you look so familiar reminding them of someone, lets have a drink.

Cancer june 21 - july 22
Spot one:

Lying on a mattress. In a bookstore at the shelf with self-help paperbacks. Out with the bunch drinking, to prove, Cancer´s one of them and whining about how hard it is to find someone who can live up to their expectations.

Catch one:

Tell them, you love their mom, and them, too. And that you never ever will leave them alone.

Dump one:

Get caught shoplifting porn when Cancer is around. Leave them alone for a longer period.

Leo july 23 - august 23
Spot one:

The entry will always be with a drum and Leo will be positioned

strategically under the spotlight. There will be three fans on either side to point at Leo.

Catch one:

Looking at them, enlightened and with wide open mouth or with a big mirror around your neck, then you can skip the talking sequence. Just smile while gratefully receiving Leos´life stories over and over again.

Dump one:

Stop whispering “of course” after every sentence said. Start your own point of view. Laugh at them in public.

Virgo august 24 - september 23
Spot one:

Just look for the cool, calm, collected person doing nothing but stare at you from across the room, or the one directing lines for visitors at the fleamarket, or the one at the psychohouse, complaining the ward has his jacket back to front.

Catch one:

Date at a not too fancy bar and let your fingers run seductively up and down the counter complaining about the amount of dust there.

Dump one:

Stop cleaning the bathroom. Add pubic hair to the pasta.

Libra september 24 - october 23
Spot one:

Has a vacant expression on the face. At the crossroad, on the judging panel of the beauty contest and all other places where there are trivial decisions to make.

Catch one:

Appear to be carefree and not used to nay heavy thoughts. Appear to be young and not responsible to the law. Then wait with the patience of an angel anywhere up to 8 years.

Dump one:

Make it look like their decision. No guilty feelings they will speed to

someone else the minute you dumped them.
Scorpio october 24 - november 22
Spot one:

Sneaking around the closets, down the cellar counting the leather. At the

brothel making a deposit. At home because outdoors sucks.

Catch one:
Being sunny, happy and full of live. Scorpio won´t be able to resist the

challenge of luring you to the pits of hell. Forget about your personality,

it will only cause a lot of unnecessary pain.
Dump one:

Wear pyjamas every night and act tired. Develop your own mind. But take precautions against revenge for the next six years.

Sagittarius november 23 - december 21
Spot one:

In a flotation tank trying to clear their minds. At the bank asking for credit. At the library studying Celtic burial rites or the psychological sideeffects of the reincarnation of Hollywood celebs.

Catch one:

Act intellectual, dress black, date at the fanciest place in town. And: they

tend to start when you already left, so play with that.

Dump one:

Ask for monogamy in your relationship. Be aware that it will take up to ten years for Sag to believe that you are really gone.

Capricorn december 22 - january 19
Spot one:

At graduation ceremonies. Loitering around places where there´s a lot of money underground e. g. Zurich, Bahnhofsstrasse or Amsterdam

Frederiksplein. At the social pages counter, scanning for impressive names and hangouts.

Catch one:

Every few minutes drop names of important people and places. Make sure you know the difference between a fishfork and a dessert fork before dating. Look like a millionaire.

Dump one:

Buy second hand, or better: change your values. Change completely. They will never be able to deal whith that.